Making Your Partner a Real Partner

I recently presented at a Society of Women Engineers conference about how to succeed in a Dual Career Household.

Here are the Highlights:

1.  Communication is Key
a.  Manage expectations - Share your values with your partner.  Let your partner know that your career is important to you.  This can start when you are dating.
I remember when I went out to dinner while I was still dating my now husband.  I was the maintenance manager at a 24/7 dairy plant and I got a call from work.  The plant was down and they needed my help troubleshooting the failure.  I bowed out of the rest of the date and although my husband was disappointed, it was not the last time I got calls at inconvenient times or in the middle of the night.  That said, further into the relationship I also had to set boundaries with my work about when I would go into the plant and when I would counsel by phone, but the experience demonstrated the nature and importance of my work.

b.  Build Trust - Effective communication requires that partners have built a level of trust so that they are able to be honest and open with each other, without fear of judgement.  I really like the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.  It helps identify what style of love your partner appreciates so that you can demonstrate your love in a way that speaks to him/her.  Building a strong base of love and trust will help the communication and planning towards a family vision.

c.  Planning - Life is busy and in order to support each other, you need to coordinate your plans and schedules.  Especially after kids, the daily schedule requires more rigor and communication.  My husband and I share an online calendar that we can each see from our phone.  We add work events as well as weekend plans.  We discuss any unusual events at the beginning of the week and confirm who will pick up and drop off the kids on a daily basis.

2.  Clear Priorities - Defining a clear vision for your family helps when you are making decisions along the way, especially around relocation and kids.  This is a difficult discussion, especially when you are new in careers and not sure where you want to go personally, let alone together.  If you can not articulate specific goals, then describe what a successful future feels like.  This vision can change, but it is important to define your values and dreams for the future.  The vision can help set priorities as well as intermediate goals that you can work towards as a couple.  Think of yourselves as a team, working together to accomplish something great.  As you both grow, you can refine your vision, as well as the priorities and goals.  

3.  Division of Duties - With an increased number of dual income households, women still bear a majority of the household duties.  Do not just assume you need to do the same things your parents did.  Discuss the duties that need to be done in your household and who will do them.  It could change from week to week, depending on travel and work demands.  These duties should not be delegated to one or the other;  the work needs to be taken on voluntarily.  Another trap I tend to fall into is gatekeeping.  My husband will volunteer to cook during the week and I will get stressed out because I do not see him planning the way I would and I start to take over.  If you decide to split the duties a certain way, do not hover and provide negative feedback, unless you just want to do it yourself.  Outsource the mundane tasks that you do not need to do yourself (housecleaning, laundry, pre-made meals), if you can afford to.  There is no secret formula, this division can be what works for you and your partner, but you need to be honest when you need help and share the burden.

4.  Continuous Improvement - We are not perfect and circumstances change.  Be flexible when situations come up.  Have empathy and appreciate the work your partner is doing, both at home and work.  Forgive your partner when mistakes are made.  You are in this together and you need each other.  Continue to develop your "process skills" (time management, stress management, conflict resolution) to reduce conflict and stress.

Think of you and your partner as a team.  The same skills and tools that make work teams successful, help spouses and parents.  If you are clear about the Vision and work together for a common goal, the results can be very fulfilling.  

Let me know if you have suggestions that work for you.

What I am Reading Now

I have read several books that I would recommend recently.

Lean In:  Women, Work, and the Wll to Lead, Sheryl Sandberg;  ok, I read this awhile ago, but I refer back to it often.  If you are a working woman and have not read it yet, get it now.

Never Eat Alone:  And Other Secrets to Success, Keith Ferrazzi & Tahl Raz;  The author is a great salesman and master networker, but he has some good ideas and suggestions that can help all of us expand our sphere of influence.

Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office:  101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, Lois P Frankel, Ph.D.;  A lot of good ideas about how to be perceived as a capable leader in the office.  There are enough suggestions you can pick and choose which are most relevant & important to you.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Gary Chapman;  Great relationship book that helps identify what methods of showing love are important to you.   Suggest reading with your partner to build communication and trust in the relationship.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus:  The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex, John Gray, Ph.D.;  Although this book is a little dated and tends toward generalizations, there are some insightful observations about how women and men relate to each other.  Unfortunately, since we tend to be problem solvers, I think female engineers are from Neptune (a little of both).

Getting Things Done:  The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, David Allen;  I admit I love lists.  This methodology takes lists to another level and helps organize your action items for maximum productivity.  It sounds complicated at first, but once implemented, it can be rolled into your daily routine.

Rich Kid Smart Kid:  Giving Your Child a Financial Head Start, Robert T. Kiyosaki;  This book covers some of Mr. Kiyosaki's methods from Rich Dad Poor Dad, but also introduces ideas to help teach our kids to think like entrepeneurs and learn from failure.  

Others that are on my list, but I have not read yet:

Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, Susan Cain

The Richer Sex:  How the New Majority of Female Breadwinners is Transforming our Culture, Lisa Mundy

What suggestions do you have?

My Lean In Story

Your career, like life, is a journey.  I have shared one of my "lean back" stories and to show that I have learned something over the journey, here is a "lean in" story.

After my son was born, I changed companies and locations to improve the pace of work and be closer to my family.  My new job was a project management role and was not based in the plant, so I had flexibility in my work schedule and I was not on call 24/7.  My new location was 30 minutes from my sisters and 2 hours from my parents (vs a plane ride previously), so I was happy. I enjoyed my job and was looking for opportunities for advancement when I got pregnant with my second child (2 years later).  

Even after I had announced my pregnancy, I continued to apply for open positions and was even sought out for a promotion.  I applied for the new role and discussed the impact of my impending maternity leave and subsequent travel limitations during the first year.  I was assured that if I was the right fit, the team would make it work.

Well, I did get the job and they did make it work.  I started with the new department as a manager and promptly went on maternity leave after 6 weeks of frantically getting to know everyone and the basics of the group processes.  When I returned after 4 months off, I ramped back up and prioritized communication so that I would not need to travel right away.  

Having this type of support from a company and a manager is exactly what we need to keep women motivated in the workplace.  I am much more energized in my job, let alone loyal for the trust and support I have been given.  

After writing this, I thought "why should I be thankful?  Would a man even consider that or just assume he was entitled?"

Either way, I believe we need to support employees in their circumstances, if they are the right fit.  We have a saying at my work about "bringing your whole self to work," so you can spend your energy doing valuable work instead of worrying what others will think. 

This story is not as much about me being proactive, but finding the right company that values my skills. 

Here is to more companies and managers with these type of values. 

My "Lean Back" Story

As I have mentioned before, I am an engineer.  I have a Bachelors degree in mechanical engineering and a Masters degree in Manufacturing Engineering.  I started my career in manufacturing plants for consumer products (i.e. diapers, food, etc).   It was not always easy being female and young in a manufacturing environment dominated by older males.  I succeeded by balancing my technical capability with a humble leadership style.  This served me well through several promotions, but the ultimate manufacturing position, as a plant manager, made me apprehensive.  I was not confident about my abilities to take on the responsibility of being a plant manager and the direction my career was heading.

After getting married, I expected that kids would be in my future, so I started to re-evaluate my career path.  I mentally decided that I could not perform as a plant manager with kids, since there would be more demands on my time.  My husband reminded me that I would have good people working for me that would support me in daily decisions and I might actually have more autonomy from the top position.  In theory I agreed with him, but it still felt incompatible.  

When a plant manager position came open, I declined to apply, even though I was encouraged to put my name in by other leaders.  I was planning to have kids soon and I did not want to be tied down to a new role or the specific location.  I wanted to eventually move closer to my family that lived in another state after I had kids.

After my first baby was born, I started looking for another job.  I found one that was not in the plant and closer to my family, but still related to manufacturing.  I successfully got the job and moved my family.  I was making a little more money because of the cost of living, but the position was less responsibility than I would have had as a Plant Manager.

In hind sight, I realize I only looked at the negative aspects of the plant manager job and my shortcomings, instead of being honest and open about the possibility.  I had already demonstrated leadership of salaried employees and union personnel, so the increaed responsibility was not significant.  I was already getting calls in the middle of the night, which probably would have reduced once I was in the plant manager position and had another manager working for me.  If I had accepted the position, but wanted to move closer to my family after having kids, I could have left the company (which is what I did anyway).  So, by leaning back and not having confidence in my ability to learn and adapt, I did not get a chance to prove my capability, to myself or others. 

I do not know if a different decision would change where I am today, but it certainly would have given me a different experience. I hope that I will be open to other unique opportunities in the future. 

Stay tuned. Next week I will share one of my "lean in" moments.