Making Your Partner a Real Partner

I recently presented at a Society of Women Engineers conference about how to succeed in a Dual Career Household.

Here are the Highlights:

1.  Communication is Key
a.  Manage expectations - Share your values with your partner.  Let your partner know that your career is important to you.  This can start when you are dating.
I remember when I went out to dinner while I was still dating my now husband.  I was the maintenance manager at a 24/7 dairy plant and I got a call from work.  The plant was down and they needed my help troubleshooting the failure.  I bowed out of the rest of the date and although my husband was disappointed, it was not the last time I got calls at inconvenient times or in the middle of the night.  That said, further into the relationship I also had to set boundaries with my work about when I would go into the plant and when I would counsel by phone, but the experience demonstrated the nature and importance of my work.

b.  Build Trust - Effective communication requires that partners have built a level of trust so that they are able to be honest and open with each other, without fear of judgement.  I really like the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.  It helps identify what style of love your partner appreciates so that you can demonstrate your love in a way that speaks to him/her.  Building a strong base of love and trust will help the communication and planning towards a family vision.

c.  Planning - Life is busy and in order to support each other, you need to coordinate your plans and schedules.  Especially after kids, the daily schedule requires more rigor and communication.  My husband and I share an online calendar that we can each see from our phone.  We add work events as well as weekend plans.  We discuss any unusual events at the beginning of the week and confirm who will pick up and drop off the kids on a daily basis.

2.  Clear Priorities - Defining a clear vision for your family helps when you are making decisions along the way, especially around relocation and kids.  This is a difficult discussion, especially when you are new in careers and not sure where you want to go personally, let alone together.  If you can not articulate specific goals, then describe what a successful future feels like.  This vision can change, but it is important to define your values and dreams for the future.  The vision can help set priorities as well as intermediate goals that you can work towards as a couple.  Think of yourselves as a team, working together to accomplish something great.  As you both grow, you can refine your vision, as well as the priorities and goals.  

3.  Division of Duties - With an increased number of dual income households, women still bear a majority of the household duties.  Do not just assume you need to do the same things your parents did.  Discuss the duties that need to be done in your household and who will do them.  It could change from week to week, depending on travel and work demands.  These duties should not be delegated to one or the other;  the work needs to be taken on voluntarily.  Another trap I tend to fall into is gatekeeping.  My husband will volunteer to cook during the week and I will get stressed out because I do not see him planning the way I would and I start to take over.  If you decide to split the duties a certain way, do not hover and provide negative feedback, unless you just want to do it yourself.  Outsource the mundane tasks that you do not need to do yourself (housecleaning, laundry, pre-made meals), if you can afford to.  There is no secret formula, this division can be what works for you and your partner, but you need to be honest when you need help and share the burden.

4.  Continuous Improvement - We are not perfect and circumstances change.  Be flexible when situations come up.  Have empathy and appreciate the work your partner is doing, both at home and work.  Forgive your partner when mistakes are made.  You are in this together and you need each other.  Continue to develop your "process skills" (time management, stress management, conflict resolution) to reduce conflict and stress.

Think of you and your partner as a team.  The same skills and tools that make work teams successful, help spouses and parents.  If you are clear about the Vision and work together for a common goal, the results can be very fulfilling.  

Let me know if you have suggestions that work for you.

What I am Reading Now

I have read several books that I would recommend recently.

Lean In:  Women, Work, and the Wll to Lead, Sheryl Sandberg;  ok, I read this awhile ago, but I refer back to it often.  If you are a working woman and have not read it yet, get it now.

Never Eat Alone:  And Other Secrets to Success, Keith Ferrazzi & Tahl Raz;  The author is a great salesman and master networker, but he has some good ideas and suggestions that can help all of us expand our sphere of influence.

Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office:  101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers, Lois P Frankel, Ph.D.;  A lot of good ideas about how to be perceived as a capable leader in the office.  There are enough suggestions you can pick and choose which are most relevant & important to you.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, Gary Chapman;  Great relationship book that helps identify what methods of showing love are important to you.   Suggest reading with your partner to build communication and trust in the relationship.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus:  The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex, John Gray, Ph.D.;  Although this book is a little dated and tends toward generalizations, there are some insightful observations about how women and men relate to each other.  Unfortunately, since we tend to be problem solvers, I think female engineers are from Neptune (a little of both).

Getting Things Done:  The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, David Allen;  I admit I love lists.  This methodology takes lists to another level and helps organize your action items for maximum productivity.  It sounds complicated at first, but once implemented, it can be rolled into your daily routine.

Rich Kid Smart Kid:  Giving Your Child a Financial Head Start, Robert T. Kiyosaki;  This book covers some of Mr. Kiyosaki's methods from Rich Dad Poor Dad, but also introduces ideas to help teach our kids to think like entrepeneurs and learn from failure.  

Others that are on my list, but I have not read yet:

Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, Susan Cain

The Richer Sex:  How the New Majority of Female Breadwinners is Transforming our Culture, Lisa Mundy

What suggestions do you have?

5 Ways to Engineer your Village

I recently "read" (i.e. listened to on CD during my commute) Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi (http://keithferrazzi.com/).  The author promotes the importance of building connections, for business and for life.  He gives specific examples of how to build your network of friends and not just collect business cards.

As a mom, building connections and relationships is no less important.  You need a village to thrive, so how do you create that?

As an engineer and slight introvert, too much networking and socializing wears me out.  I feel like I do not always have time for my family, let alone a bevy of friends and neighbors.  After college it gets harder to meet people and even more so after you leave the dating scene.  But after hearing the message in Keith's book, I am convinced that continuing to build relationships is critical.  Here are some key takeaways from Never Eat Alone.

1.  Identify people you want to meet.  

Keith suggests making a list of people you want to meet to help drive your life goals, both current and longterm.  As a big fan of list making myself, I have found that the more specific I make a goal (like naming a person in the job I want), the clearer the path becomes.  If you make a list of people you want to meet, when you see them you have more incentive to talk to them or you seek them out for advice or perspective.

2.  Join a club.

What better way to meet people with similar interests than to join an organization dedicated to a specific subject.  As a working mom, mother's groups are critical for emotional support and to share ideas.  I also belong to industry focused organizations, like Society of Women Engineers.  You could even join a club for something you want to learn more about, (like writing for me).  Toastmasters is a great organization to practice speaking skills and you are typically exposed to people from varied industries and backgrounds.  In Toastmasters everyone feels vulnerable when they are giving speeches, so you tend to build strong bonds with others in your club.

3.  Invite people to lunch/coffee.

This is one that I struggle with because I like to work through meals.  I want to be able to leave work on time, so I typically eat lunch at my desk.  I need to start using the power of the network by making my meals opportunities to connect with others and drive my career, instead of just the day to day details.  This month I will work on creating stronger bonds with co-workers and maybe even get some critical negotiation or decisions

made. 

4.  Stay connected by sharing relevant news.

My main source of news these days is either Facebook or NPR on my way to and from work.  News is great for small talk and building an intro with someone.  If you find an interesting article, you can share it with someone else that may find it interesting. 

5.  Throw dinner parties.

I know, I know.  When I heard this one I thought "No way!"  My house seems to be constantly in chaos and I barely have energy to feed my family.  But then I started looking at it as a chance to connect with other families in small groups.  Now I am considering a monthly dinner/playdate with a few local families with similar age kids.

My goal for February is to build relationships, with new friends and the ones I already have.  If you hear from me, now you know why.

Attached is a calendar of suggested activities to stay on track making connections daily.

Kid science - Space exploration

Tonight we decided to make a spaceship out of large cardboard boxes (thanks Amazon subscribe and save).  We did not do anything fancy, just drew some portholes on the side of one box, got in and commenced a countdown.

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Blastoff!

And then my explanation began about how we had to pick up speed to escape the earth's gravitational pull.  We passed the moon and somehow got too close to the sun, but started our exploration of the solar system with Mercury.

Mercury is the closest to the sun and requires special heat proof clothing and goggles.

After collecting specimens (things in the room that were green), we moved onto Venus.

Venus is a rocky planet with lots of volcanic activity.  We collected objects around the house that looked like rocks.  

Mars is the red planet and very stormy.  We collected items that were red.

Jupiter has a lot of moons.  We collected round specimens.

Saturn is the ringed planet.  We collected rings for further study.

Uranus and Neptune are the farthest from the sun and cold.  We collected items that were blue. 

Then we practiced what other words start with the same letter as each of the planets and discussed what extra terrestrials or "martians" might look like if we discovered life outside our planet.

It was a very basic excursion, but we covered an intro to the planets.  I guess we need to get some space themed books so we can learn a little more about each planet and specific tasks we might accomplish on future expeditions.

Check out some kid friendly websites on space:

http://www.nasa.gov/audience/forkids/kidsclub/flash/#.VMscx4E76rU

http://mrnussbaum.com/space-2/

http://www.sciencekids.co.nz/space.html

Decided to take a book to space.  It's a long flight.

My Lean In Story

Your career, like life, is a journey.  I have shared one of my "lean back" stories and to show that I have learned something over the journey, here is a "lean in" story.

After my son was born, I changed companies and locations to improve the pace of work and be closer to my family.  My new job was a project management role and was not based in the plant, so I had flexibility in my work schedule and I was not on call 24/7.  My new location was 30 minutes from my sisters and 2 hours from my parents (vs a plane ride previously), so I was happy. I enjoyed my job and was looking for opportunities for advancement when I got pregnant with my second child (2 years later).  

Even after I had announced my pregnancy, I continued to apply for open positions and was even sought out for a promotion.  I applied for the new role and discussed the impact of my impending maternity leave and subsequent travel limitations during the first year.  I was assured that if I was the right fit, the team would make it work.

Well, I did get the job and they did make it work.  I started with the new department as a manager and promptly went on maternity leave after 6 weeks of frantically getting to know everyone and the basics of the group processes.  When I returned after 4 months off, I ramped back up and prioritized communication so that I would not need to travel right away.  

Having this type of support from a company and a manager is exactly what we need to keep women motivated in the workplace.  I am much more energized in my job, let alone loyal for the trust and support I have been given.  

After writing this, I thought "why should I be thankful?  Would a man even consider that or just assume he was entitled?"

Either way, I believe we need to support employees in their circumstances, if they are the right fit.  We have a saying at my work about "bringing your whole self to work," so you can spend your energy doing valuable work instead of worrying what others will think. 

This story is not as much about me being proactive, but finding the right company that values my skills. 

Here is to more companies and managers with these type of values. 

TerraCycle - New Green Option

In my pursuit of all things new this month, I have discovered a new disposition for disposable items that are not typically accepted as part of municipal recycling facilities. It is a recycling company called TerraCycle. 

According to the website, "TerraCycle partners with Consumer Packaged Goods (CPG) manufacturers to administer free programs which pay consumers to help collect non-recyclable packaging, which is then upcycled or recycled into eco-friendly products."

You can sign up for a "Brigade" and send relevant empty containers to them, postage paid.  They take the waste and either up cycle it (use potato chip bags to make a purse) or recycle it.  Each brigade is sponsored by a consumer products company, which pays the postage (and may help with the recycling).  If you send enough material for recycling, you can earn points and money for your local non-profit.  This seems like a great opportunity for a local school or club. 

I signed up for every Brigade possible, but many of them had waiting lists.  I focused on the brigades for diaper packaging (sponsored by Huggies), toothbrush & toothpaste (sponsored by Colgate), and beauty care packaging (sponsored by Garnier).  They also have brigades for potato chip bags and juice pouches, but we do not really consume much of those in my family. 

I promoted and collected packaging at my church and local moms clubs. Most of the brigades have minimum ship amounts (by weight) to earn points.  I can not accumulate anywhere close to the minimum on my own.   Although I do not need the points, I want to make the shipment worth it from an environmental perspective as well. 

After 3 months, I felt like I had enough to ship, so I printed out the free shipping label, packaged it up and dropped it at a local FedEx store.  Super easy. After several weeks, you can see the actual weight that was received and if you earned any 

Points. Even after 3 months and collecting through my network, I did not meet the minimum for the diaper packaging or beauty care brigade. Maybe I can expand where I collect next time. 

I hope they are making good use of the materials I sent.  Like your municipal recycling program, it is difficult to tell how much actually gets recycled, but I would like to make every effort I can to keep waste out of the landfill.  

Check it out at www.terracycle.com

Kid Science - Airplanes

After a family plane ride to Phoenix and a work flight for me, my son has been curious about airplanes.  What makes them work and gives them the ability to fly through the air?

Fortuitously, my son also just received a model glider kit for Christmas.  I eagerly "helped" him put it together (i.e. he watched me put it together) and we tested flying it around the house.  Note, the kit was designed for age 8+.

Here is an example of how we followed the scientific method during our build and test:

Step 1 - Research - how do airplanes work?  The glider kit came with a little booklet that explained basic aerodynamics (ie fluid dynamics of air).  Bernoullis' principle demonstrates that the faster fluids move, the lower their pressure.  The Lift force pushes the airplane up when air flows over the wings.  (Lift is always perpendicular to the direction of the airflow.)

Step 2 - Define a problem - How do we make an airplane/glider that flies across the room?  How do we maintain the airflow across the wings to create the lift force long enough before it falls?

Step 3 - Form hypothesis/design test model - The glider kit gave us several sample designs to try.  The main one had slightly curved wings, extending in series from the body of the plane, as well as stablizers in the back.

Step 4 - Test.  Test flights are the best part of any model airplane/glider experiment.  Sometimes the experiments went well and the glider went across the room and sometimes it nosedived almost immediately.  Either scenario was greeted with shrieks of surprise and delight from my 4 year old.  The test and experimentation phase is usually the most rewarding of any scientific process.  It gives you the chance to get hands on and see success...or at least break something. 

Step 5 - Analyze results and repeat from Step 2.  Crashes were the most exciting part of the experiments, but then we had to adjust our design and try again.  Do we need to start from a different spot in the house (top of the stairs)?    Should we move the wings forward or back to balance the weight?  Did we break a piece and need to re-evaluate the design?

Final step - review what we learned.  After we finished our test runs (and it was time for bed) we talked about what worked best and why.  We noticed that if the wings were too far back, the nose was too heavy and it would crash.  We noticed that if the wings were at an angle, it made the plane turn.  We also looked forward in the booklet to see what we might want to build next time.

Overall, it was a fun experiment.  Now I am motivated to look for some basic paper airplane suggestions on Pinterest, that we can test without as much destruction.  We can build several models and determine the best design for maximum distance, hang time, and speed.

(see my Pinterest pics After a family plane ride to Phoenix and a work flight for me, my son has been curious about airplanes.  What makes them work and gives them the ability to fly through the air?

Fortuitously, my son also just received a model glider kit for Christmas.  I eagerly "helped" him put it together (i.e. he watched me put it together) and we tested flying it around the house.  Note, the kit was designed for age 8+.

Here is an example of how we followed the scientific method during our build and test:

Step 1 - Research - how do airplanes work?  The glider kit came with a little booklet that explained basic aerodynamics (ie fluid dynamics of air).  Bernoullis' principle demonstrates that the faster fluids move, the lower their pressure.  The Lift force pushes the airplane up when air flows over the wings.  (Lift is always perpendicular to the direction of the airflow.)

Step 2 - Define a problem - How do we make an airplane/glider that flies across the room?  How do we maintain the airflow across the wings to create the lift force long enough before it falls?

Step 3 - Form hypothesis/design test model - The glider kit gave us several sample designs to try.  The main one had slightly curved wings, extending in series from the body of the plane, as well as stablizers in the back.

Step 4 - Test.  Test flights are the best part of any model airplane/glider experiment.  Sometimes the experiments went well and the glider went across the room and sometimes it nosedived almost immediately.  Either scenario was greeted with shrieks of surprise and delight from my 4 year old.  The test and experimentation phase is usually the most rewarding of any scientific process.  It gives you the chance to get hands on and see success...or at least break something. 

Step 5 - Analyze results and repeat from Step 2.  Crashes were the most exciting part of the experiments, but then we had to adjust our design and try again.  Do we need to start from a different spot in the house (top of the stairs)?    Should we move the wings forward or back to balance the weight?  Did we break a piece and need to re-evaluate the design?

Final step - review what we learned.  After we finished our test runs (and it was time for bed) we talked about what worked best and why.  We noticed that if the wings were too far back, the nose was too heavy and it would crash.  We noticed that if the wings were at an angle, it made the plane turn.  We also looked forward in the booklet to see what we might want to build next time.

Overall, it was a fun experiment.  Now I am motivated to look for some basic paper airplane suggestions on Pinterest, that we can test without as much destruction.  We can build several models and determine the best design for maximum distance, hang time, and speed.

After a family plane ride to Phoenix and a work flight for me, my son has been curious about airplanes.  What makes them work and gives them the ability to fly through the air?

Fortuitously, my son also just received a model glider kit for Christmas.  I eagerly "helped" him put it together (i.e. he watched me put it together) and we tested flying it around the house.  Note, the kit was designed for age 8+.

Here is an example of how we followed the scientific method during our build and test:

Step 1 - Research - how do airplanes work?  The glider kit came with a little booklet that explained basic aerodynamics (ie fluid dynamics of air).  Bernoullis' principle demonstrates that the faster fluids move, the lower their pressure.  The Lift force pushes the airplane up when air flows over the wings.  (Lift is always perpendicular to the direction of the airflow.)

Step 2 - Define a problem - How do we make an airplane/glider that flies across the room?  How do we maintain the airflow across the wings to create the lift force long enough before it falls?

Step 3 - Form hypothesis/design test model - The glider kit gave us several sample designs to try.  The main one had slightly curved wings, extending in series from the body of the plane, as well as stablizers in the back.

Step 4 - Test.  Test flights are the best part of any model airplane/glider experiment.  Sometimes the experiments went well and the glider went across the room and sometimes it nosedived almost immediately.  Either scenario was greeted with shrieks of surprise and delight from my 4 year old.  The test and experimentation phase is usually the most rewarding of any scientific process.  It gives you the chance to get hands on and see success...or at least break something. 

Step 5 - Analyze results and repeat from Step 2.  Crashes were the most exciting part of the experiments, but then we had to adjust our design and try again.  Do we need to start from a different spot in the house (top of the stairs)?    Should we move the wings forward or back to balance the weight?  Did we break a piece and need to re-evaluate the design?

Final step - review what we learned.  After we finished our test runs (and it was time for bed) we talked about what worked best and why.  We noticed that if the wings were too far back, the nose was too heavy and it would crash.  We noticed that if the wings were at an angle, it made the plane turn.  We also looked forward in the booklet to see what we might want to build next time.

Overall, it was a fun experiment.  Now I am motivated to look for some basic paper airplane suggestions on Pinterest, that we can test without as much destruction.  We can build several models and determine the best design for maximum distance, hang time, and speed.

(See my Pinterest pics  http://www.pinterest.com/mymomsanenginr/kid-science/).